Reflections on 2020

 

How does one look back on a year that was so painful and disastrous with any sort of openness or honesty? The world was ostensibly on fire, particularly in this country, as the brutal pandemic caused millions of people to get sick and hundreds of thousands to die. Businesses and entire industries have suffered to the point where we don't know if things will ever be able to return to how they were before. On a personal level, friends and family of mine got sick and a few passed away this year, some from the virus and others from different ailments. None of it has been easy. I've basically been at home since March, away from my friends and my family and my office. Away from anything that made the mundanity of life more tolerable. All of my escapes and passions were taken away from me. This is not a singular experience. This will arguably go down as the worst mental health year for many people, the worst financial year, the worst year period. So many people lost their jobs, their finances, their health... and our government basically said, "eh... deal with it." But I'm not here to remind everyone of how awful this year was. You know. You lived it.

I am a firm believer in seeing the positivity in everything. It's easy to be cynical. It's easy to look at the world and say, "everything is awful, this sucks, I'm going home." And in my worst moments (and I have many worst moments) that's exactly how I felt. There have been many nights throughout the past 9 months where I have wallowed in my pain and my misery, where my anxiety pills and my daily anti-depressants weren't enough. I had to up my dosage in the summer. I also got diagnosed with a manageable but entirely unfortunate condition that has rocked my world over the past quarter of the year. It has been an eye opener and a wake up call and has changed the way I live in many, many ways. And I know that what I have gone through is nothing compared to the suffering of so many people around the world. I often sit at night and hold back the tears because the pain is simply too much to take. I want to scream and cry and lash out, to say "fuck you" to those who could have helped us and didn't, to those who didn't take this seriously, didn't wear their masks, didn't stay home and then complained that they got sick.

But I digress. I said I am a firm believer in seeing the positivity in everything and that's what I'm going to do.

Somehow, 2020 ended up being the year where I finally understood who I was and what I was meant to do. I am a producer. That much I have known for a few years now. I have built a career for myself in theater, I have fostered strong working relationships, I have produced concerts and off-Broadway shows and even Broadway shows, all of which came to an apex this year when I won a Drama Desk Award, a GLAAD award, a Drama League Award, and got nominated for a Tony Award... and we're still waiting to see what's going to happen with that last one. I even managed to produce a virtual Christmas show/reading with my friend and strongest artistic collaborator Preston Max Allen that I am incredibly proud of. But what surprised me most about 2020 is realizing that I am also a content creator, and a pretty darn good one. If you had told me last year that I would spend most of my 2020 making YouTube videos online, putting myself out there on camera, being vulnerable and on display for all to see I would not have believed you. Yet that's where we are, and if you'll allow me to be selfish for a second and ignore all the pain of the year and focus on myself it has truly been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life, and one I hope to continue doing for a long time to come.

When my dear friend PJ Campbell asked me to come on his relatively new YouTube network back in April for a watch-a-long of a movie, little did I know that I would basically be setting myself on a path in which I would be on camera almost every night of the week, in which I would be producing and creating shows about Broadway and music and cinema and... boxes. I had no clue that I would end up as 2nd in command to PJ, that my voice would be a major aspect in running and making decisions on the network and helping the content be as good as possible. I didn't know that this would become a platform in which I could help spread my message of empathy and compassion and trying to find the positive in all things. Of celebrating one's passions and putting the negativity aside. But it's been all of that and more.

My friendship with PJ and my work on his network has also folded me into a group of people that have become some of my best friends in the world. People who I love dearly, who I support and respect and spend countless hours on Zoom calls with and who love and support me in return. PJ, of course, but also: Kristen, Jon, Sean, Jillian, Chris, Jen, Dan, James, Frank, Patrick, Tim,  Dwain (who I got to work with professionally as well - what a dream!) and Tree. Some of them I knew before,  had been lucky enough to hang out with in person, but even those relationships blossomed and grew. During a time where I couldn't see my friends and because a lot of my friends are not "online" people to the extent that I am (though I miss them dearly, and did still text and talk to them as I could) this crew came through for me in an overwhelming way. I love each of them dearly and I would go to the ends of the earth to protect them. 

I also never would have expected how many people who come to watch our shows, and how I would build friendships and relationships with our viewers and come to be overwhelmed with their support and the incredibly kind things they had to say about me. I barely possess the words to express my admiration and love for Brandy, who has become a dear friend of mine and one of our biggest supporters. And let's not forget Mike and Buck and Kale and Ed and Ricardo and BCD and on and on and on. 

And then there's the Schmoedown of it all. I had been a fan of the show for a few years, going to a number of live events and getting to meet people and watch the shows. But the way this community has embraced me this year and the relationships and friends I have built because of it is stunning. I love this community with great verve and other than the theatrical community I belong to I have never been around a group of people that is so supportive and loving. People like Danielle, PLD, Bidoor, David B, Jake, Brian, and Mollie - and so many others. These are friendships that I treasure. These people helped me get through this year and I can never thank them enough and I am always, always here for them.

There was also still so much great cinema and television and music. I read more books this year than I have in any other year in my life, and I've even made some headway in writing one. 

I have so many ideas for the future, so many concepts for new shows and exciting productions and I genuinely believe that I - and the PJCN - are just getting started. 

So yes, this was a year of pain and death and misery. But it was also a year of friendship, empathy, love, and self-discovery. And for that, I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is because of you that I'm sitting here writing this, that I have gusto and a clear vision for where I'm headed and the path I want to take. 

I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Happy New Year. May 2021 be everything you want it to be and more. You deserve it.