Fluffy! - Or: The convergence of weight, mental health, and societal standards...

Intro/Caveat: When I woke up this morning I felt that I had to put "pen to paper" and compose some words about a lot of thoughts that have been floating around my head for myriad reasons. My initial approach was to make a twitter thread on my alt account (yes, I have more than one of those) because I was hesitant to open myself up in such a vulnerable fashion and didn't necessarily want to subject myself to the comments that can come with such honesty. I then realized that I would be doing myself and others and disservice by not diving in head first, writing this as a full essay, and seeing where the cards land. I have always prided myself on being empathetic and straightforward via my social media presence, and it seems to have worked - people respond well, I have been able to help people out in certain ways, and comments I have received over the past year about tweets that I made that seemed insignificant to me were overwhelming. We never know the full extent of the impact we can have just by telling it like it is. So this is me, telling it like it is. If this serves only as a means of therapy for myself - terrific. I need to get these thoughts out. If anyone else resonates with this, if this helps you or makes you feel a little more seen or appreciated or valued - amazing. One final note: negativity and hate will not be tolerated. If anyone decides to use this as a way of attacking me, it won't end well for you.

Fluffy! - Or: The convergence of weight, mental health, and societal standards...

I can't remember a time where I was considered skinny. I look back now at photos from elementary, middle, and high school and realize that I was smaller than I was made to feel, but society (especially kids) can be cruel and even if you have a few extra pounds on you they will do their best to make you feel like a fat piece of garbage. A lot of the time it worked. It became an inevitability. I was the fat guy. That was my destiny. Comments from everyone around me only served to fuel me on this road. If I were to reach for a piece of bread at dinner it would be met with looks or words that haunted me for years. When I left for college, I was finally met with the freedom to make my own choices and I made some unfortunate decisions that would have ramifications for years to come. Everyone has heard of the freshman 15. For me it was the freshman 60. It didn't stop there.

I'll never forget the first time the scale passed 300 pounds. I'm not 100% sure exactly when this was, but the feeling that came with it, of disappointment and failure, of pain and agony, continues to resonate within. Why was this? Were these feelings my own? Were these feelings compounded by societal pressures? By the words of doctors who I would visit for a simple cold and they would tell me I was sick because I was fat - which is in its own way ridiculous. The way doctors treat fat people and automatically diagnose everything as an extension of weight is at times dangerous and ridiculous. Yes, there's no denying the impact excess weight can have on one's health (more on that later) but it is not a hard and fast rule and it is not the reason for every last sickness or minor health problem. 

As time continued on, the weight gain continued. There's a line the character Fat Bastard (a problematic character that perpetuates the dangerous way society amplifies fatphobia) in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me says that resonates, despite my overall distaste for the character. "I eat because I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy because I eat." I have had my fair share of mental health struggles throughout my life, and in many ways my weight was in direct correlation with that. Did one beget the other? I'll likely never know. Somewhere in the mid 2010s I topped out at my highest weight - approximately 368 pounds. I was very large. This weight made many aspects of my life difficult. Certain injuries occurred that still create problems in my knees and ankles. I couldn't fit on many theme park rides. I needed a seatbelt extender on certain airplanes. Booths at many restaurants were often difficult if not impossible. And on and on. This world is not designed for large people and it becomes suffocating. I was utterly miserable and I saw no way out. People on the street would say awful things to me. In every aspect of life this planet found  new ways to make me feel increasingly awful about the state of my body. 

I am not going to sit here and defend myself at that time. If you follow me on social media you know that I am a huge proponent of body positivity. I genuinely and truly believe that all bodies are beautiful, that fat is sexy and gorgeous, and that there's no one right way to look or be - despite what society may dictate. I fully recognize the health issues that being heavy can come with but this also isn't necessarily an inevitability. I know many large people who are healthy where it counts (vitals, etc.) and have no desire to be smaller or lose weight. I think this is beautiful and I give them nothing but respect and power. But being at that weight, for me, was incredibly difficult. I began to make small changes here and there - walk more, snack less, focus on my mental health and start antidepressants - and I lost some weight. I found a bit more of a balance at around 320 pounds. Still not quite where I wanted to be, but some of the issues I was having were resolving and I was beginning to find myself again. When it came time for my wedding in 2017 I decided to really tackle things head on. I wanted to look my best. I wanted to be able to look back at my wedding pictures in 20 or 30 years and like what I see. I worked my ass off and on my wedding day I weighed 277 pounds. I was thrilled. As it turns out I wasn't thrilled about the wedding as I am in the process of a divorce, but I'm not going to go into full detail about that here. 

After the wedding, though, like clockwork, I gained weight back. Snacking started again. I had no drive or motivation to keep it off - no reason to take care of myself. I ended up back around the 300 mark and settled there for the next few years, give or take. Here's the thing, though. I wasn't going to the doctor that much. I wasn't having my yearly check-ups. If there was an emergency or a serious issue I would go to the proper specialist and take care of it, but overall I wasn't taking care of myself. I was terrified of what I might find, of the way doctors might treat me based on how they had treated me in the past. Enter the pandemic. And lockdown. That first spring and summer of lockdown I put on another 15 pounds or so - I was back to 315, which felt like where I was destined to be. It was my inevitable and ultimate adult weight. I was defeated in so many ways. My mental health was at a low for so many reasons. I could feel my marriage slowly crumbling. There was nowhere to go and nothing to see. People were dying and getting sick. The world was a mess. 

In September of 2020 I wasn't feeling very well and finally decided to do what I had been terrified of doing for years. I went for a full checkup. A blood test. The works. My fears were founded. I received a diagnosis that I was dreading. I could have sat there in defeat and let myself slowly die, but instead I took it as a wakeup call. I kicked things into high gear and took my health and my body into my own hands. Between October of 2020 and April of 2021 I lost approximately 70 pounds. It was amazing to me how once I actually started to take care of things the weight dropped off. It took immense work and dedication. I cut the majority of carbs and sugars. I went on long walks, which was a nice respite from the continued stress of lockdown. I had set a goal weight for myself, and although I didn't hit it I got close. It is still my goal weight - more on that soon. Around this time I was also fully vaccinated and started seeing people again. The way people treat you when you lose a significant amount of weight is fascinating. Praise is nice, but our minds will sometimes warp the notion of "wow, you look amazing now!" to mean that you didn't look amazing before - just another manifestation of society's unfortunate fatphobia. In every facet of life as a large person (and although I had lost a lot of weight I was still considered large by many, I would still be called "hey big guy!" or "here comes a fatty!" on the street) faces challenges both physical and mental. Yay? That being said, my health was fully under control. I felt good. I had more energy. I had to buy all new clothes. I could finally wear things I had always wanted to wear and shop at stores I could never shop at before because so many stores don't cater to large people at all. 

You would think this is the end of the story. It isn't. I mentioned two things above that play into the next part of the story: I decided to end my marriage and I was fully vaccinated. I will not go into extreme detail about what happened with my marriage other than to say that I knew I had to end it for my own well-being and for my mental health. 8 months later and I absolutely know it was the right choice. I wish my ex nothing but the best and know deep down that it was ultimately the right choice for her as well. Being fully vaccinated meant that I started to explore the world again, safely and smartly. I began travelling and spending time with my new best friend. I went to theme parks, I visited family in Florida, I took trips to California, I went to the beach. And I slowly started introducing things back into my diet, in moderation, that I had fully cut out before. Here's the thing - I love food. Good food makes me happy. Throughout all of this, I put about 30 pounds (give or take) back on. As I sit here today writing this my weight fluctuates between 260 and 265 pounds. (100 pounds lower than my highest ever weight!) I could look at this with defeat and anger. I could think that I have failed myself after all of the hard work that I had done in the preceding year. But that would be a lie (well, okay, in my worst mental health moments I did let that kind of thought creep in) and a disservice to the ultimate point I am trying to make with this article. 

Life is about balance. And I think for the first time in my life I have found that and fully come to understand it. Before you ask or wonder - yes, despite putting some weight back on, my health is still very good. Yay! And my mental health is arguably the best it has ever been. On a day to day basis I can never remember being quite this happy and joyful and optimistic about the future. I am living. I am living in my delightfully fluffy body with my cute belly and curves. I still sometimes get called fat or told mean things by people as society can be cruel and fatphobia is very real. I can deal with that because I know my truth: I have found a balance that is working for me in the moment and I look in the mirror and see beauty. I mentioned a goal weight above... and it is my plan, after the new year, to work hard again to try and hit that and find a new balance that I hope to maintain for the rest of my life. I know I'm never going to be considered fully skinny and I am okay with that. I like me. I enjoy being fluffy while also being happy and healthy. There's no right way to live. Being skinny isn't the only option. As I said, I am a huge proponent of body positivity and that means all bodies. Fat is sexy and beautiful because at the end of the day it is about the person inside and how they carry themselves that matters. I choose to carry myself with integrity and pride and aplomb and know deep down that nothing anybody says about my body or my weight, that society's fatphobia and cruelty, will not bring me down. I won't let it. I have found the convergence of weight and mental health that works for me. Writing this all down today has been the catharsis I have been needing. It's almost as if as I continued to write I affirmed within myself everything I have been thinking and feeling. And honestly? I've never felt better.